Here is the thing that I find…writing is a solitary sort of thing. I mean, you can do it with someone else in the room but sooner or later they are phased out of your mind and get phased out of the room if not kicked out directly. This never used to bother me. I preferred being alone to being with people. Always have.
Lately though, I’ve found that I want to be with people. I don’t know if it’s because of some of the situations that are going on in my life or if I’m just becoming a little more normal. Obviously, I still need my space and my alone time, but at the moment I also really want to be with, around, or talk to, people.
There’s one I’m hoping really does step up as promised, even if it does take a “Christina Alarm”, because he can make me laugh, even when I feel like crying. There’s one I’m hoping doesn’t pity me because pity makes me feel worse and I’m hoping to spend time with her before I leave. There’s a couple of people that I want to get together with before I go. There are many that I hope keep in touch. There’s one I’m hoping to get closer to if I end up moving home because I feel distant from her when we’re apart (though she did call to wish me happy birthday a day early and that made me smile). There’s a couple of people that I hope to spend time with before they go away so that distance doesn’t really separate us. Then there’s one that I am hoping to see a little more regularly because I miss talking to him like I used to (though, when we talk or see each other it’s like no time has passed).
All of this is strange to me. All of this is a new concept to me. A friend from college once told me that I virtually forced her to be my friend. She couldn’t figure out how I did it and she was happy that I had. On the outside she thought that we seemed so different because I can be really bubbly and hyper when I want to make people laugh, so she had thought that there was nothing going on inside my head. Then she realized that the reason I’m like that is because I have too much going on in my head at once and I’m a bit ADD so what seems like bubbly non-sequitors are really more of my mind jumping around than anything else. Once she got to know me and could follow the way I worked and talked she liked spending time with me because I can talk about just about anything. One of my kids told me last night that I was a “good person”. It was really sweet. I don’t really think of myself as a good person. I don’t really think of myself as a bad person. I’m just me. I screw up as often as I do right by something or someone. But, no one can say that I don’t try my best on things. All and all, I’ve decided that I don’t want to to be the one making all the effort in friendships. At this point, that leaves me tired, but I do want people to want to talk to me. Weird, I know.
Maybe all of this is good. Maybe wanting to pick up the phone and call people isn’t really a bad thing. I just know that when I’m in such a downer mood (as I have been lately) I don’t want to bring other people down. Regardless of wanting to call or talk to people I just rather think of myself as a bother and don’t call. Then, it kinda freaks me out (in a good way mostly) when people call me (especially since I don’t particularly like talking on the phone).
Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if I started writing because people really kind of scared me as a kid. Connections kind of scared me. I’m working on trusting people with what’s going on in my head. Took a big step that way and sent an old friend a letter. We’ll see if anything beyond the first phone call results out of it. I think I would actually feel lonely, not just alone, if more of a solid friendship didn’t come out of it. And please, if you know any of the people I’m talking about on any of this, don’t mention names in the comments. I kept them out of the post on purpose. Thanks.